College Life =/= Sex Life

i was chatting with Paolo a while ago and he made me the sweetest thing any boyfriend had ever done for me. I was asking him about how his day was and he just went disappear on the webcam for like 2 minutes and suddenly came back with a bigbig poster he just made and wrote those 3 words i love to hear from him "I LOVE YOU." and it made me cry.

And then he took another poster and wrote "I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER, YOU'RE THE BEST GIFT I'VE EVER RECEIVED :)."- that poster, those words-it was priceless. It made me cry a lot. It was definitely one of those memories i wont forget. The simplest things in life are those which are the best. Now I come to understand what LOVE is; that it is more than saying those 3 simple words;or typing it down or writing it down, it is more than thinking about him almost everday, it exceeds all words possible to describe what it is. its undefined. its. LOVE.

He is the Sun that guides me through the dessert and the moon that guides me at night.

i never had a problem having a relationship with a man before until it finally struck me- DISCRIMINATION. It was difficult to hold his hand while walking. It was difficult to show him love while just sitting. It was difficult to hug him randomly out of nowhere. IT IS DIFFICULT.

M2M relationships and so are F2F relationships are both hard. Aside from the fact that discrimination among the sexes is still on the rise not only in the Philippines but also around the world. It just really pisses me off how some people can't live without getting to other people's businesses. For Pete's sake! THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY. Everyone should be held equal.

Its been more than a decade now that MY PEOPLE are trying to fight for equality. And I'm really pissed with how people describe some of their "FRIENDS", like "I'm with Fred-the gay guy", why can't it be just "FRED"?. fuck you! Being gay, bi, transexual, lesbian or whatever orientation a person has is just a a small portion of that individual itself. Being GAY doesn't mean you love watching Gilmore Girls and you Fancy David Beckham. Excuze moi, don't put us on the stereotype list.

Its as if we're living like how the old Americans lived; the COLOR discrimination. same shit. different type. Gender and Color has no difference on how a person must act. I don't like people who instilled their kids' minds with homophobia. "look *insert kids name here, its a GAY MAN! tell him his a faggot and tell him his gross!", and the kids just yells at you out of no where "GAY!!GAY!!GAY!! Go away you cock-muncher."

God knows we can't make babies, but God also knows we kept on trying.

ive been talking to someone for quite some time now and i can't put my finger on it. Im thinking if i'll rather stop this and just go on with my sembreak not being problematic with all this shit he got me through.

i'm so pissed with people making me please themselves. i was not born to please; i was born to love. i'll do some thinking soon and if this just can't go the way i planned it to be. i'll let go.

i'll just stay single for a while. no limitations=unlimited access= FREEDOM.

i wish there were more people like me.

I just got from church today- I promised HIM I would go to HIM more often after the HIV shit-which turned out not so good in the end, the church visit that is.
The mass went well, but I was preoccupied. I thought nothing would just go by my line of sight but I was wrong-80 degrees in front of me- I saw then; holding hands, both beautiful..i was jealous. I definitely wish I had a boyfriend.
It was stupid. I can’t turn my back now, the other guy was looking and I was lying. I changed angles trying not to see them, but it was inevitable. I really really wish I have a boyfriend. I miss having someone to hold hands with, talk with, watch the movies with, eat with, and laugh with. How I wish….
I went out, I got home-bought cigarettes and smoked. I had to go out-I was breaking down in the inside. I was crying deep down myself. I can’t go through this much shitiness anymore. I came to realize that people who wants someone in their life should look, not wait. It was something almost everyone I knew told me.
Hoping for the best as always. Yeah, I am a whiner.

I was glancing around my room, body as still as a statue made ages ago. Just finished reading TWILIGHT- a book that made me feel i had a boyfriend for a while; two days exactly.

Nothing could have had made me happy today other than Mark suprising me out of nowhere. Yes, I had deleted him on my list, but i always knew all along what his ID was-no matter how long i traced back-my memory with him is still as fresh as present. It was stupid getting over him, to tell you the truth, i wasn't over him-he is my first true (man) love. That made him special. I could have broke in to tears by now, covering my face, my palms all wet, my eyes sore, my throat clamped. I missed him.

No gauge would measure on how much my smile just went up-my eyes joining it. Still, I'm not getting my hopes up with all this. His just way too Good for me. Its as if I'm feeling the withdrawal syndrome kicking in-when you just got out to something you were so addicted without mental consent-you'll feel sick. dead. as if you were dead-just breathing. Its the same feeling as what to im feeling now. He just really has to come by my path now huh? perfect timing. like always. like his kiss pressing against my skin a month ago........I should really try to get over him soon until THIS would go somewhere else more destructive. I'm just way too happy right now blinding myself with just reading Stephenie Meye's SAGA.

I just cant stop hoping i guess. It's what makes my life driven.

Its not that I wasnt already Vegetarian before i did this. Its just that I want to talk about why I did this.

First, it was for personal reasons-to be healthy. Who doesn't want to be healthy right?
Now, I do it for animal rights. watching them defenseless animal undergo human ruthlesness. I just cant stand the feeling.

My minds way too fucked up about lots of ideas and shits right now.
1. My Declamation coming this week.
2. Vegan Diet
3. me-talking to someone (as in dating)

Im just really confused I guess.

In terms with dating. The new guy im dating right now-Im notsure. Im feeling this one would turn out just like what happened to me and mark. and then again, im not sure. It may go theless i expected it to be. But im still hoping my hopes.

Like stars gazing around the moon night by night, like clouds gliding around the sun.
there is hope.

One thing i can't really get through my head is how big some people's head can be.
1. they won't reply by the second you tell them you like them.
2. they won't talk to you if you don't look good.
3. they're total snobs.
4. fcuk them. lol

anyway, so today was like my first time getting someones number. yeah, i finally did it. and yes, it was embasrassing and suicidal at the same time. and fuck i got rejected haha. the person really doesn't look that good really, he just wears glasses.

RANDOM FACT: I fall really really fast for people wearing glasses. Weird huh?
there would be at least 3 to 4 answers on why he didnt replied.

1. His not Gay/Bi.
2. Im way too ugly for him.
3. He doesn't have any load.
4. His fucked up.

Rather than being fucked up and depressed the whole day just thinking about it, maybe i'd go for POJ again. in case i'll ever see him again, whom which comes the less expected. I'm still having my hopes up. REJECTION is normal-thats something i really have to learn.

On the next issue, i think i have AIDS. yeah HIV/AIDS. i dunno, it feels like im going to die soon. really really soon. thats why i went for church this morning. prayed.cryed. went all melo-dramatic over it. its like giving it all up. and accepting the fact that "HEY YOU HAVE AIDS. YOU SUCK" or something like that. oh fuck.....i do really think i have AIDS.seriously.

i may have got it from Mark, Freddie..or the tongue pierce i just recently got. nobody knows.
well, i really wish/hope not. I'd give up everything just not to have AIDS. yes, even SEX.
i was thinking of helping street childrens someday. Give them shelter and all. I just really feel sorry for them. rather than looking at them doing nothing; raising their right hand for money, looking all poor and dirty, running along the streets selling sampaguitas. They're supposed to be at shelters playing with kids and learning ABC. People are just really fcked up these days; as if it were ever different a century again. Maybe, we'll never know.

Its like morning raindrops on an winter season. cold. frozen. transparent.
though, with no relevance whatsoever.im still hoping for the best out of anything.

i have so many dreams in my life. that having AIDS would just make it fucked up.
wishing for the best. praying for the best. will make my mama proud.

If you haven't watched this movie yet. I HIGHLY recommend you to watch this. I'll give this 9 out of 10 stars. Why 9? Heres the shit.

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD. So if you havent watch the movie yet and you do have plans don't read this, and if you don't have plans whatsoever-read along.

Okay, so the shitty thing about the movie is it just really has to be TRAGIC. First, his totally fucked up (Yin) cause his an assasin so that he could earn money to treat his Mom and brother who are both infected with AIDS-his mom and brother got it from their FOSTER DAD. whom which sexually abused Yin's younger brother. BTW Yin is the long-haired guy. lol

Second, His younger brother has to sell himself just to get additional money for the meds, and the funny thing is, everytime he has sex with someone is that he'll give half of the money and leave a note saying "Thanks for the 1000 baht, ill leave you 1000 baht to help you buy Meds for AIDS" what a bitch right?

More on 2.5th of the story, while Yin tried assasinating the guys who fucked his life-and obviously suceeded-Shi (the cute guy next to Yin in the picture lol) came and got his eye injured-which caused him his SIGHT!

Third, his mom hanged herself, he got arrested, and his younger brother hanged himself further in the story.

Though, one thing i really love inthis story is the love, The actions on how they made each other feel how much LOVE could be afflicted. I love how raw their kisses are. The evolution of the relationship is sooo romantic that its really impossible for it to be real in life.

But still, the writer just really has to kill Yin after Shi's longtime wait for him. I mean. WTF right. Its already tragic. he made it more effing tragic. Though, I really cried a lot of times just watching it.

I remember the VIDEO from Shi's Phone whom which Yin took of himself saying something like "You'll always know that I love you very much until the last beat of my heart" and on how Shi tried looking for Shi when he fell down after getting shot on the right side of his chest. and Shi was asking him if he'll never let go of him.....Its just really sad :(

DAMN! im just so frustrated about this. anyway. Im planning on being single for now.or i dunno. im still confused. I have some more shits to fix.

Okay, so aside from the very OBVIOUS title, a lot had been changed since, well-
1. Mark and I broke up (and damn! Im so pissed off, hiss sooo effing yummy!fckfckck)
2. I met Anthony, whos like the bestest person in the world.
3. I started being a pesco-lacto-ovo vegetarian (and yes,i just dont eat meat :P)
4. and got a tongue piercing (which unconciously means I'm a sexual person-no doubt)
5. oh! and since I started being CONSERVATIVE, yes. no more one-night-stands bitches :)

AND IM STARTING TO SPEAK ENGLISH MORE LEGITIMATE THAN WHAT WE DO IRL (in real life-school)

though, I'm really trying to get over Mark, Its hard really. I mean, everyone goes through this shit and then again its invetable not to get hurt within the process.

I dunno. KONYO people seems to be my type lately, haha. One, they're fun to talk to and two, they're sour. Though I really really find most of the ATENISTAS polite. They're simple and down-to-earth, unlike them LASALLIANS who most of the time are FUCKED UP.lol. or maybe im just being biased because Mark is from La Salle.

I know my place, and yes, I am the normal, not-so-mediocre person.
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More or less I've been a better person now. Proud of Who I am :)

Came out to my MOM last Aug 20
Started being a Pesco Lacto Ovo Vegetarian since Aug 3 (wednesday. I think)
Broke up with Mark and been with him for-----
Met Anthony last AUG (Wednesday last week) lol. Im too tired to check the calender, well.

Im better, faster and stronger
and just bought SEP issue of Men's Health and OUT Magazine. yeay!

I met a bunch of new friends today. 2 from somewhere in United States. and some added on my friends list

Tyran
- a lesbian stud who's really supportive. its feels like mother's love talking with her.

Anthony
-a great great gay guy i met who lives in california, whom I should say made my day. his the most adorable, sweetist thing you could ever meet. I've never been this much enlightened for the past few weeks/months. Aside from that, I suddenly cried while talking with him. It was actually weird. Though, I try not to fall in love with him. It feels so inevitable.

Though, talking with him lifts my hope from finding the ONE out there for me, pretty much he might be looking for me too :)

And yes, I improved talking to foreigners. yes! lol. Though, I still have problem talking with them on the phone, i get concious.

Moving on, I finally established my beliefs, that Sex just comes in a relationship, you dont go looking for it. I'm planning on being unpromiscuos for the rest of me life. and im loving all the new friends coming to my life, imagine how many more i can meet.if one life can give so much impact in your life, what more can everyone does.

Quotes I got from people today

"everything ends okay, if its not okay, its not the end"
"Loving someone is one of those things that stops you from sleeping, cause it always feels that reality is better than dreams"

I dont really know if anyone does read my post. what the heck. this is how i compromise.

im so fed up with having relatioships with guys for the past few weeks/months. It was all about SEX. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. im sick of it. I want long meaningful conversations, beach walking on a sunny sunday morning, holding hands while just lying down on my/his bed, love letters, laughing at random stuffs, staring contests, movie marathons.

is there even a guy like that in this tragic world of mine. i seriously want to explode and feel the pain as it drops and cripples against the floor. to feel the how much shit my life has gone through for the said days.

I'm a sucker for cheesyness. Though, I can't wait for that certain someone I wish for. I must look. I must stand up and face the horizon. I know how cliche and fucked up this may side but i mean it from the bottom of my hear.

I'll look. and look until that certain person will come to my life :). im sure his out there. somewhere, biting his nails, doing his homework or watching a movie and making tea.

:) I'll find you.

i confess, im not really good on keeping relationships. why? im really obsessive and selfish. and yes, they do drive the ones i love away.

though, talking to my bestfriend did help me a lot,i learned
1. To find your happiness not to others but within yourself
2. To achieve more in life
3. To be a better person
4. You'll just laugh how stupid you acted a month or so later, or maybe a week after.

Mark and i just broke up early this afternoon: OFFICIALLY.

though, as what he said, it was not my fault. He just really want to have a relationship with God and his trying to change. I respect his choice. thats how life is, nothing is permanent.

One of those words that struck me really hard was " It broke my heart when i saw your face at the door." I suprised him at his place; giving him a love letter 3 days overdue. Though, I really must confess, I really did love him and I find my peace being with him. Even though I tried pretending that we both thought it was just really LUST and not love.

My tears where dropping as i rode my rides back home, lifting my head up so the tear would subside, it was inevitable. I was trembling as I walk, as if my body was about to explode from what I have just experienced.

Now, I do not know. I must move on. Nothings gonna help me if i'd just lie down and cry, though Kat is right, I have to let myself feel the pain.

Remembering one of those phrases I got from William Shakespeare, which I added on the last part of my love letter

"I love thee, I love thee with a heart that shall not die, till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old"

Mark,

your voice i yearn to hear, like angel's breathe running through my skin.
Thus would be my very first Love letter to you.
Just so you know, since that very special day I met you; I can't get you out of my head.
Your lips, Your voice, Your arm around my shoulder. Reminiscing every single moment with you.

I love you everyday.
I wish this will never end.
Sometimes I would just slap myself from the fact that I couldn't believe I found a person like you to complete my life. How some of the things you do i really adore; laughing at the theater all alone, cautious with all the food you & I eat, your arms around my shoulder, your hands pulling my head close to your lips, your arms sweating-holding mine (hand). I love you Mark, I always did.

You may find this cheesy, laugh at it if you want to. But still, I love you. I love you like there's no tomorrow. How I wish you'd come calling me at home everyday. How I wish you'd come here and knock on my door and say "HY, i miss you", How I wish we had more than basically making love. hahaha. I hope we do not only like each other by the physical entities we instill in each other, but through the way you make me go stupid despite the fact i ain't, the way you make me write stuffs like this which i though has long deciphered.

I miss you like crazy everyday.

Right now, I might be beside you. I won't wait for your reply, I don't need to.
I love you Mark. I love you like there's no yesterday.


Loving you always.
Herbs/Emil

my cellphone got busted. there's something wrong the LCD and its speaker just got ripped off. and yet I'm still thinking if im over-reacting about the whole problem.-which I know by 40% that I am, but I have this date with a very important person today and well, his number is on my phonebook! gahhhhhhhh!


moving on, i mingled all day day long and found out some very nice ACTIVIST sites; which i do think are really good. speaking of which, i was planning on joining an activist group 2 week ago.

War has been raging on for the past few years already. Is it now possible that the People of this world not go for hunger of power. its all what they want in the end. imagine how many lives they affect everyday; them innocent children who never knew the reason on why are they bombarded. the woman; mothers, sisters, nieces- the caretakers of the world raped, abused and killed. Men; mind-controlled by power-hungry men.

WAR is completely absurd. the world can live without nuclear bombs sprouting on each sides of the hemisphere. its just that the species living on it is by far the one who has a problem.

I can't help to think how tragic some people's lives can be. Where everyday they have to fight for their life. Grasping for air underground, Running their lungs out for their loved one, Sacrificing their life for a country; A life so precious you can only have it once.

the MAN we vote for supremacy is the one holding us in a liability.

my birthday just happened and it all happened way too fast. but im not talking about that this time. We'll talk about something that has been bugging me for days since I met him. and then again some problems with school.

im not good with balancing shits. especially School and well, LOVE. even though i don't consider myself being in a relationship right now even though i am sexually active. duh.

i've been reading a lot of Paulo Coelho's Books lately. and i must say, he influenced me a lot. from moving to another course from next sem, to follow my personal legend and to love> fuck the last one is way too corny.

moving on, I'm still not giving up on him. I'm doing the best I could do just to have him around my arms. I dont only like him but I love him. I love him more than anything else in the world that I'm able to sacrifice anything I have now.- how foolish what kids these days say.

I've wasted a lot of MOMENTS-wherein right now, I could have been talking with him, caressing his hair, my body next to him, my hand holding his chin, my eyes looking at him, our laughter killing countless hours of pure humor, my lips touching his lips every second to tell him the words I longed to tell-"I love you." If only there was a real TIME MACHINE.

No doubt a lot of people wished for one. but here I lie, hoping, wishing for my dream to come true. my love.

I've been reading about a lots of stuffs lately; bulletin posts, e-mails, books that says to "believe in love at first sight."

Remember the person i met at POJ (Prince of Jaipur-a prestigious bar next to EMBASSY) well, okay. for the past few weeks I haven't seen him that much. and yes, sadly, he is a GUY. Anyway, It was not long ago-one month exactly since I last saw him consecutively.

BACKTRACK
THE INCIDENT AT POJ is something i consider- LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I felt a spark between the both of us. Our eyes meeting as often as it can be. Our bodies attracting each other as the ambiance of the party got smoother. The alcohol instilling our minds the idea to be with each other (or which i think is only in my head.) It was indeed, love at first sight.

The HAPPY beginning soon ended cause it was getting late and we've all been dealt with second-hand smoking.

SCHOOL year 2008 started. My so called COLLEGE LIFE started. I met dozens of new people. I fell in love. I got busted. I cried. I searched. I studied hard. The days moved on as fast as THE FLASH would run around the earth. and then again, one Wednesday morning, at a nearby bookstore. Opening the door knob gently like any person would do-while looking for my wallet in my bag, glancing upward-I saw him.

MY WHOLE WORLD STOPPED- slow mo'ed. There was this awkward stare&silence between the both of us. Everything around me felt so silent that even the flipping of the coins at the teller's cashier would hardly make a noise. WE both smiled at each other and went on with our lives. and I thought that was the end of that.

the next day. strolling the school yard in the morning I saw him once again-he looked at me-his eyes following every pace i made, then suddenly I looked back then his head moved away.

after that. Arriving at school earlier than usual, looking at the people walking around the Pavilion suddenly, out of nowhere-I saw him again. He looked and yet I ran at the nearest building as if chasing for something which isn't there. I felt stupid, and yet I had my cheeks all in red.

the next day. same place.same time. standing 6-feet-tall, laughing with his friends, glancing around the yard. I saw him once again. and after that. I've never seen him again.

AND TODAY
After praying every night just to his face again, practicing in front of the mirror as every word of my pick-up runs through my lips "HY! remember me?" no. "Hy! um. can i get your number?" no. I can't get anything good out of my head!?

NOW
I'm trying to think if everything is just all in head or what. I'll try. Someday, to tell everything that has been kept beside my lungs for a long duration of time now. Even though considering the fact that everything about what I'm thinking right now is all but a Dream. Its really something I'm willing to take a punch of.

HOPING FOR THE BEST
-Herbs (not gay.but bi)

1. how was my day?

it was July 05, 2008. a lot things has happened in 1 hour about 1:15 in the afternoon, the dynamic started!

1. i got accepted as a journalist for the school (photojournalism) so pretty much for everyone who said that i won't make it. kiss my ass bitches. who's the bitch now? i told you i can do this.

2. My knee got dislocated again, it happened all so fast so explaining the incident to you would cause you hemorrhage.

3. I was carried to the clinic by my long lost crush toot* (hint: the one who interviewed me last enrollment)

4. I got to see my bones (tibia, patella, etc.)

5. got to ride an ambulance for the first time in my life ( i feel so precious that time)

6. Has fallen asleep during Theoretical Foundations of Nursing due to exhaustion.

7. Has been absent for English due to the pain. >_<

8. A random guy talked to me at the LRT. his from Adamson, and i think...hahaha. nevermind

9. FEU won the 1st game.

10. and i lost my virginity to a guy named Matthew. not! hahaha.

Anyway, that was how i had the roller-coaster of my life this year. never had that much fun, happiness, pain, and lust at the same time. though, i do wish it'll never happen again. I swear, I'll stop doing cigarettes!

p.s. im really really sorry i didnt had the chance to attend your class Selwyn-san.

besides from the obvious title, i feel so fucked up. I'm depressed. I'm feeling that im going to be denied again. it just sucks. and for missing my mom's call- and she like fucking calls only once a week. so pretty much that would be sooooo excruciating.

i seriously want to fucking smoke 2 packs of cigarettes right now, just for the minor elation. fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck. i swear a lot when i'm pissed off. not really obvious isnt it?

okay. i have to pause. i seriously need to buy cigarettes.

Im pretty fucked up lately looking for this yaoi. does anyone know where can I find this Manga and Download it for free. I'm really dying to read this.